Wondering thoughts

to spend time with myself... time to reflect on my past, present. future... what i've done, what i'm supposed to do. every moment i sit down... my mind start working, i can't even stone in peace... why? i dunno, mayb influenced by a high D (domineering) person... makes me uptight about the way i do things, how i spend my time... feel guilty about stoning when i have things to do...

i miss wondering in town with my scrapbook n digicam... i need a whole day to myself, which i haven't got to enjoy yet. no time to reflect, Feeling busy, yet empty... i miss late nights just drinking tea and talking rubbish... have become someone so logical... that i can't stand... is this wat i want to be? organised, busy, prim and proper... is it becos i'm too free that's why i'm facing an identity crisis?...

always wonder how do others see me... have i changed through the years?... i tink working life put a mask on me. Getting thrown with expectations... to wk like an adult with a bunch of adults, your mistakes will not be forgotten, you can't even be a friend with just anyone in the office. people start to gossip when you become a bit frenly with those in high positions. Humans... can be such ugly creatures... or is it becos i am ugly... that's why people start talking about me? when i was working, people told me i looked very different in the office and when i'm not working - in office, i become dead, serious, quiet... and mayb even boring... is this something dat happens to everyone? why do i get paid to be someone i don't like to be? can i be myself if i'm not on someone else's payroll anymore? i hope for freedom to express myself... freedom to do what i like, and hopefully survive on that... but reality bites... mayb it'll wk, if i'm lucky n blessed - if not... how?... dunno... haha.. o well...